Push Away the Hurt
by prussianpunk1
Summary: Romano can't understand why Antonio is so happy all the time. Antonio can't figure out why Romano is so angry. Yaoi Cutting Abuse Romano swearing Spain and South Italy. Making Out between guys.
1. Chapter 1

Hey, this is for my friend Amanda. She loves Spamano and it's probably one of the best shipping that we actually agree on. Soooo...no lemons cause Amanda will be mad...and lot's of fluffy goodness! Enjoooy! P.S. I got bored in math class and started writing this on my graphing calculator. **AND READ IT CAREFULLY! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!**

"Talking"

'Thoughts'

Chapter One: Help Me Find a Way to Carry on Again

"Feli, get your lazy fratello out of bed. What a perfect time for that bastard to start walking to school." the voice of the italian's grandfather drifted through the cold house. Romano snuggled deeper in his duvets to try to push away the hurt and form it into anger before he was discovered. His fratello bounced into the bare room happily. "Grandpa says you should get up now. We ate the rest of the food, sorry. But you can just ask your friends at school to share, ve?"

Romano smiled at his brother. 'Feli, you're always trying to shield me from nono's harsh words.' Then he frowned deeply. "Yeah whatever, you little brat. Get the fuck out of my room."

Feli just smiled brightly and ran out. Romano could hear the door slamming shut and then the car doors and the car starting up. After a moment, the sound of the car's engine disappeared down the road and Romano found it safe to emerge from the heavy covers. Stripping out of his boxers, he climbed in the shower and started washing his hair. Feeling the greasy strands inbetween his bony fingers made him shiver and he clutched himself tightly, tears falling down his face.

'Well, as long as I'm going to be late to school, I might as well be fashionably late.' he thought to himself, eying the razor blade his brother used to shave his armpits. ("They itch!" Feli would complain). Sighing heavily, he picked it up and began working his way down his wrist, shallow little cuts that allowed him to show his hurt; his pain. "It's not fair..." he whispered to himself, huddled on the floor of the bath tub, water cascading over him. "I'm constantly cast aside in favor of my brother... WHO'S NOTHING BUT A DAMN IDIOT!" He screamed, sending the shampoo bottles crashing to the floor and the razor embedded deeper in his skin. Quickly removing it with a pained whimper, he applied pressure before inspecting it. After a moment, he deeemed it okay, and he was going to live.

"I would ask my friends to share, feli, but I have no friends. Who'd want to be friends with a little bastard like me? Compared to my brother, who'd want me?" He asked himself these questions frequently, yet he never tried to change himself. Emerging from the now cold shower, he wrapped an unneccessary towel around his waist and trudged through the house, wincing as his bare feet hit the cold cement in his basement bedroom.

Pulling the usual black hoodie, and black skinny jeans out of his closet and putting them on one at a time, he had to bunch up the jeans at the bottom to get his sneakers on. "Damn shortness. One day, I'll fucking stab you to death." he grumbled to nobody in particular. Taking a glance in the cracked mirror across the room, he looked away quickly. Then he threw his backpack to the ground and stood in front of the mirror, poking and prodding at himself. "I'm short...and girly looking... and THIS DAMN CURL!" he yanked at it, trying to pull it out of his head, but yelped and immediately blushed hotly. He left it and quickly ran out the house before his grandpa came home.

Walking down the street, Romano was lost in thought, clutching at his arm. He didn't notice that he'd turned too soon and was walking down an alley instead of a sidewalk. Suddenly he was grabbed by the waist and, much to his embarrassment, he squealed loudly and tried to fight off his attacker. He was pushed to the ground and a gun was pointed in his face. Romano's eyes widened and he looked up at the man's face.

The man had a gruff demeanor, and he was standing awkwardly like he was injured. A scruffy 5'o'clock shadow graced his jaw. Romano took this in very quickly, fear pumping through his veins and raising his adrenaline. The man waved the gun slightly and Romano squeaked in fear. "C'mon kid, I don't have all day! Give me your money!"

Frozen in fear, Romano only stared, his mouth gaping open dumbly. The man clucked his tongue in exasperation and hit him with the gun. Romano fell to the ground on his side and suddenly the mugger was fumbling with the black jeans. Romano cried out in hazy fear, still dazed from being hit with the gun. But the man simply pulled out his wallet, and took the few bills he had from there. "Jeez kid, you ain't _that_ pretty." and he ran off.

Romano laid there for a minute, breathing deeply. 'God, that was so scary. I thought for sure...' and the man's voice came back to him. _"You ain't _that _pretty." _and he laid his head back down, groaning. Not even good enough to get sexually assaulted, apparently. He started to get up, when a shadow covered the alley way entrance. "Lovi!"

Romano only stared as his classmate(and secret crush, but he'd never admit it), Antonio, rushed by his side and checked him thoroughly. "Are you okay? Did somebody hurt you? What happened?" he demanded in a worried tone, noticing the way Romano was still clutching his arm. Romano shook his head. "I-I'm o-okay, I g-got mugged is a-all."

"Lovi, you must not be feeling well. You didn't call me a bastard or try to cover up how you are really feeling. I can actually tell that you're scared." Antonio replied, putting the back of his hand against Romano's forehead. Romano cleared his throat nervously. "I guess I'm just too shaken up to lie very good."

Antonio shifted to get up, pulling Romano with him. "Why do you lie like that? You know nobody would care if you weren't so mean. We might even like your true self."

Romano blushed, pulling his hand away from Antonio quickly. "When did you become so nosy? It's my business, you don't know anything about me and I don't appreciate you being so damn happy all the time when there's nothing to be happy about!" he stormed away, out of the alley and down the street. He heard Antonio calling after him, but he kept walking faster until he reached the school gates.

Spying the clock in a cage on the wall, he noticed it was lunch time for him, so he climbed up to the roof. As usual, he had to chase a few dumb freshmen from his sanctuary. They went wide-eyed down the stairs, not glancing backwards. He sat on the air vent and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to ignore the rumbling in his stomach. That man took the only money he would have for food for a long time. 'Then again, he might have a family that he actually cares about feeding, and he bought bread for them with that money.' he tried to be positive, but he knew a drug addict when he saw one.

_"You ain't _that _pretty."_

Romano shivered slightly, but buried his face in his knees. The smell of food was driving him crazy and he was ready to throw himself off the rooftop if he didn't get food soon. "Lovi?"

The petite italian jumped, his head shooting up so fast it felt like he broke his neck. Antonio was standing there, holding out a bag of McDonald's to him. Romano looked quizzically at him, and Antonio set the bag on top the vent, next to Romano. "That guy mugged you...so I knew you wouldn't have money for lunch...and I know you don't get food very often...and I was on my way to McDonald's when I found you. I'm rambling, but long story short, I got you some McDonald's. But!...It comes with a price."

Romano waited, eyes narrowing in distrust. Antonio looked surprised. "Hey, it's nothing too bad. I just want you to tell my what's up with you. You said I didn't know anything about you, so you should tell me." he explained. Romano shrugged. "You should tell me why you're so happy all the time, first. I'm not comfortable talking to a stranger like you are."

"Ah, well, there's not much to tell. My parents are okay, I have friends, a car, a job, and I am saving up for college. I'm on my way to success and that makes me happy, I guess."

"Well then, life is just butterflies and sunshine for you, isn't it? I'm not so lucky. My only family, my grandfather, hates me and sometimes he beats me, but not too often. He absolutely adores my twin brother and refers to me as 'the bastard child'. He feeds Feli just fine, but I am left to fend for myself. I can't get a job because everything is just too inconvenient and I'm no good at school, so how would I juggle school and work? All the money I get I find, I sell my old childhood things..." he trailed off, looking thoughtful.

"I have nothing left to sell and life won't stop picking on me." he finished, tearing open the bag and he practically devoured the entire meal in 30 seconds. When he was finished, he blushed dark red and looked away. "Sorry, I haven't eaten in a long time."

"It's okay, Lovi. I understand. But what are you going to do?"

For the first time in years, Romano felt his lip tremble in front of another person. 'Oh god, I'm going to cry in front of him...' Romano thought in mortification. "I don't know." he said, his voice cracking. "I could become a prostitute, I guess, or-"

"Lovino! You will do no such thing! I won't let that happen to you!" Antonio cried out, grabbing Romano's hand in his. That was it for Romano. He burst into tears, using his free hand to cover his face. "Well, what am I going to do?! You still don't get it! I don't have options! It's not fair! Feli is so nice, and I can't be mad at him, but who am I supposed to be mad at when he's the only one getting attention, and even if I try to be normal I can't because I'm gay, and my grandpa says that gays are disgusting so if I told anyone he'd just beat me! You're the only person I've ever told, and now you're gonna go blab to everyone and they're going to hate me even more!"

He sobs, tearing his hand away from Antonio again to cry into, ashamed. Antonio noticed his sleeve drooping down and little thin red lines all over his wrist. He grabbed the arm, pulling it towards him, sending Romano sprawling into his lap. "What the hell is this, lovino?" he asks, sliding back his sleeve. Romano struggles to get up without using his other arm, that Antonio had in an iron grip. "I just needed something to help me feel pain and hurt when I couldn't show it to anyone else. Somebody told me a couple years ago to cut my wrists and die, so I tried it and I liked it." he was bent awkwardly, one knee on either side of Antonio's leg, and his left arm being twisted to see the cuts.

Slowly and cautiously, Antonio started planting feather soft kisses all over the cuts and Romano squeaked in surprise. "Wh-What are you doing?"

"Kissing it better."

"Why?!"

"Because I like you. And I don't want you to hurt yourself." Antonio said bluntly, massaging the flesh between his hands. "Why is this one deeper?"

Romano tried to pull his hand away, but Antonio held it up to his lips again and started to nuzzle it lightly. "That one was a mistake. I didn't mean for that to h-happen." he breathed out sharply as Antonio looked up at him. "So you aren't trying to kill yourself?"

"Well, if I did die, it'd make no difference to me. But I'm not trying to, no." Romano explained, trying to pry Antonio away for him. He was still kneeling over the junior, and it was beginning to get uncomfortable. Antonio sighed deeply. "You can relax, Lovi, I'm not gonna bite you."

_"You ain't _that _pretty."_

"Lovi? What's wrong?" Antonio peered down into Romano's suddenly serious and blank face. Romano glared at him. "Why do you call me Lovi? That's not my name, my name is Romano." he hissed in anger. Antonio blinked and grabbed his blushing cheeks. "You are my little tomato, you are so bright red all the time!"

"...and you said...you like me. What do you mean?" Romano tilted his head, a faint look of hurt plastered on his face. Antonio took Romano's chin in hand and guided it up. The Spaniard looked slightly nervous for a moment, before quickly placing his lips over a slightly shocked Italian's. Romano's eyes grew wide, and he pushed Antonio away from him. "YOU _BASTARD_! DON'T MESS WITH ME LIKE THAT!" and he jumped off the ground, running down the stairs off the roof.

Antonio stood there with his fingers touching his lips, a look of amazement on his face. "Perfect..." he mumbled.

Oh em gee! you better appreciate this, Amanda. So anyway, korean boys are cute and I'm gonna cry for Romano. He's so insecure. Ummmm Review please? So I can know if I'm doing anything wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry I've been busy! I have a burning in my throat and I think my throat might close up in my sleep and I'll suffocate. If I do, I leave all my fanfictions to Amanda. I tried to update this, but I've been so unmotivated. If I get 10 reviews in 3 days, I'll update by the 10th, next Saturday.

Warning: OOC Antonio. You may want to hurt him after this.

Chapter Two: Outrun My Gun (Week Passed)

Romano huffed angrily as he waited for school to start, leaving him with his thoughts for the first time since the kissing incident last week. "Stupid bastard. I should've killed him right there for making fun of me like that. That's just mean. After I told him I was..." he looked around the empty classroom, suddenly quite aware that he was talking out loud. '...gay, he tries to pull something like that on me!' he continued in his thoughts. 'Does he know...that I have been watching him as he changes, that I have thought embarrassing things about this guy I barely know?' he blushes at the thought and rests his head on the table. "My life is over. Antonio will tell everyone and they'll all hate me."

"Tell who what?"

Romano gave a very *ahem* girly *ahem* shriek and punched at the nearest thing. Which happened to be Antonio's face. The Spaniard swore, backing up and holding his hand to his bleeding nose. Romano gasped. "You stupid bastard! What the hell were you thinking, sneaking up on me like that?!"

"I was jud drying do ask you whad was wrong." He explained, looking mad for the first time. Romano shied away in slight apprehension. "W-Well what do you expect me to do when somebody sneaks up on me?!"

"I don't expect you to punch me in the nose, ya freak! God! First you push me away from kissing you, then you punch me!" it seemed like Antonio finally lost his cool. Romano shrank down in his seat as Antonio towered over him. "I expected you to be startled, but that's just ridiculous! Didn't anybody ever teach you to treat others the way you want to be treated?!" he grabbed Romano by the collar and lifted him off his seat. Students filled the room as Antonio began threatening him. "Maybe I should punch you in the face! An eye for an eye, huh? But then, I guess I'd mess up Romano's pretty little face!"

_"You ain't _that_ pretty."_

Antonio pulled back his fist, and Romano cringed, waiting to be struck down once more. The Spaniard seemed to hesitate, before punching him in the gut. Romano cried out, tears bubbling into his eyes. He felt his whole body go warm, the way it does when you're horrible embarrassed about crying in school. The green eyes widened a bit, before Romano was dropped to the ground, and kicked to the side. He quickly got up, and ran out the door, leaving his belongings there. On his way out, he ran into several people, but didn't even stop when he heard Feli calling out to him. He ran all the way out the school, ignoring the throbbing in his ankle, the pain in his stomach.

He collapsed near the curb and threw up, watching as any kind of nourishment he was hoping to get for the week was washed away down the rain gutter. "Damn it." he cursed, clenching his eyes and hands. The street lights were still on as the morning had yet to come to the winter town.

"Hey kid. You wanna make a couple quick bucks?" a voice called to him from an shadowed stoop. Romano bit his lip. "I'm not a prostitute." he said, not slowing down. A man chuckled. "I heard that hesitation, kid. I'll be gentle, I swear it."

Romano stopped in his tracks. He had no money. He had no job. Nobody would ever care to love him any other way. What could be the harm? It's not like anybody would care even if he told them straight out. He turned around, eying the man carefully. "How much money?"

"It depends. On what you can do. I trust you don't have a pimp or anything like that?" he cackled. Romano blushed. "Do I look like I've ever had sex for money before?" he hissed, almost afraid of the answer. The man took a closer look. "Actually, no. You look a little lost, kid. I think I'm going to change my mind. You don't...don't want to live this kind of life. There is somebody looking for you, I think. Maybe they don't even know they are. You don't belong on the streets, kid. Go find someone that'll love you." he started to shut the door.

"Wait! I need this money! And nobody is ever going to love me! You're wrong, so please help me out. There is nobody looking for me, nobody gives a damn about me, but I need to eat!"

"You look 16."

"I don't see what that has to do with anything!"

"Ask your guardian for food. I won't buy out a minor." and he shut the door. Romano stood staring for a second before hot tears rolled down his cheeks. His stomach rumbled and he sat on the curb, feeling the man staring him down from inside.

"ROMANO!? WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Romano looked up in surprise, and saw Antonio running down the street looking around. When he saw him, he ran over and glomped him, lifting him up in the air. "I don't know what came over me. You just make me so mad when you think you're worthless. You're no-"

SLAP!

Antonio looked shocked as he released the Italian. Romano stood there with fury in his eyes. "You don't know me! You know nothing about me! Don't pretend to know me, because I'm not falling for your tricks! I know all you want is to humiliate me in front of everyone. Where are they? Are they hiding behind the trees and mailboxes!?" he screamed hysterically. People started peeking out of their windows and Antonio grabbed Romano, who was trying to wipe away his tears in vain. He moved him (practically carried him) to a nearby alley. "Nobody is here. It's just me."

Romano clutched his now throbbing head and had an arm wrapped around his waist. He had upset his grandfather this morning, and the old man had smacked in the head. It really had hurt. Especially when he fell against the fridge from the impact and the handle jabbed him in the side. Antonio grabbed his hand, and his shirt lifted with his hand. Romano squeaked in embarrassment and tried to pull it down, but the damage was done. Antonio gently touched the bruise on his slim waist. "What happened?"

Brunette boy hesitated. "I…I-I ran into….the…doorknob." Well, at least it was somewhat the truth. Antonio raised an eyebrow. "It looks like you were running really fast into a door knob."

While he was saying this, he was gently rubbing the bruise, causing Romano's brain to go to mush as he was experiencing gentle kindness.

AND THAT'S IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA! But seriously. 10 reviews in 3 days, and I'll update on Saturday. Bye Bye!


	3. Author Note Don't Kill Me!

I'm SORRRRRYYYYY! I've been having a creative flow issue because of school and work and trying to pass my driver's test. Aaaaand…

I can't decide what to do. The choices are:

A: Spain tells Romano he loves him and they have lots of loving

OR

B: Spain doesn't say anything and we build on their characters more. (This would take longer for me to write, quite honestly.

You can review or just send me a PM. Doesn't matter to me. I need some opinions on this.

*And it was sad, and strange, and beautiful*Prussianpunk*


	4. I'm Strong on the Surface, Not All the

I'M SORRY! I FELT OBLIGATED TO POST A CHAPTER FOR MY OTHER STORY FIRST, SINCE IT'S BEEN LONGER! And I know a lot of you said MORE STORY BUILDING, but the person I'm writing it for said JUST UPDATE ANYTHING and she likes fluff, so here's my trying to make everyone happy.

Last Chapter:

Romano clutched his now throbbing head and had an arm wrapped around his waist. He had upset his grandfather this morning, and the old man had smacked in the head. It really had hurt. Especially when he fell against the fridge from the impact and the handle jabbed him in the side. Antonio grabbed his hand, and his shirt lifted with his hand. Romano squeaked in embarrassment and tried to pull it down, but the damage was done. Antonio gently touched the bruise on his slim waist. "What happened?"

Brunette boy hesitated. "I…I-I ran into….the…doorknob." Well, at least it was somewhat the truth. Antonio raised an eyebrow. "It looks like you were running really fast into a door knob."

While he was saying this, he was gently rubbing the bruise, causing Romano's brain to go to mush as he was experiencing gentle kindness.

Chapter Three: I'm Strong on the Surface, Not all the Way Through

"It's none of your business, Antonio." He slapped the hand away. Antonio sighed, scuffing his shoe against the ground. "I don't really know what to say right now." He admitted. Romano felt hot tears roll down his cheeks. "This is your entire fault, you damn tomato bastard. You kissed me, and I've been having weird thoughts and an urge to kiss you! You made me into somebody even more likely to get made fun of and beaten up! You stupid… idiot!" he yelled, covering his face with his hands. "I love you, and you don't even know my last name." he whispered, mortified.

Antonio frowned; the facial expression looked foreign on his face. "Your last name is Vargas. You're always feeling put down by your brother, even though you can sing better than him. (1) Your parents haven't been around for a while, and you live with your grandpa, who likes Feli more than you. You live close to the school, but you wish you lived closer so it'd be an easier walk for you. You think you're so dumb, but I've fallen in love with you, and you don't even know MY last name."

Romano looked up at him with bright eyes. "I will always love you, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Even if you don't really love me, I can pretend that you do if you play along."

"I do love you, what is it going to take for you to realize that?" Antonio asked desperately. "Damn it, Lovino! You're constantly in my head, and all I can think about is that time I kissed you, and you didn't like it! Why else would you run away? But why did I hit you, earlier in the classroom? Nothing makes sense to me, but all I know is that you are the only one who can make my fake smile turn into a real one, and I get lots of emotions around you! TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING!"

Romano backed up into the wall, getting a defensive look in his eyes. In his mind, it was turning into fight or flight, and no matter what the Spaniard was saying, he was yelling, and getting mad. That meant, from experience, Romano knew he was going to get beat up again. In a choice between fight or flight, it was obvious which one the little petite Italian would chose. When Antonio got too close, Romano breathed in sharply, and took off down the street. It took the older a second, but he gave chase, yelling after him.

Nothing was making sense to the panicky teen anymore. He only heard anger from the older teen, and it frightened. He was trapped in memories and instincts that had been drilled into his head for a long time. When he tripped over a curb, and fell, he started to cry, thinking someone was coming after him to kill him. Antonio caught up soon, to Romano trying desperately to limp away with a bloody gash down his leg. "Lovi!" he panted out of breath.

Romano cried out, whirling around to stare fearfully into Antonio's eyes. When no anger was found in the bright green eyes, he relaxed, There was only concern in his eyes. Concern for…Romano? Antonio stepped closer, motioning for Romano to sit down on the sidewalk with him. "Lovi, please tell me what is wrong. I can help you."

"What's wrong is that I'm scared of everyone, because I can't help but think they're trying to kill me. My grandfather beats me for nothing, the bullies at school beat me up, and a couple tried to molest me…I'm starving, I'm stupid, and worst of all, I fell in love, even though it could never work."

"Why not? I love you, isn't that enough?"

"No, because I'm scared of you, and if my grandfather ever found out… he would kill me…"

"Well, I love you, Romano Vargas! And I have no problem telling your grandfather! In fact, I already have a bone to pick with him, so lead me to your house!" Antonio stood up. Romano stood up shakily. "Are you deaf? He would KILL me! K-I-L-L! What would I do, where would I go?"

Antonio started walking towards Romano's house. "You're living with me, of course. I haven't been entirely truthful. My parents don't ever come around. I live in an apartment type place with my two best friends. Don't you worry your pretty little head about anything."

_You ain't _that _pretty_

Romano bit his lip. "Just because you're helping me out doesn't mean you can start kissing me or calling me your boyfriend. I still have people issues, and I can't handle that."

Antonio nodded, and suddenly Romano stopped him. "This is my house." He mumbled. Antonio looked up the steps and into the house. It looked fairly normal. They walked up the walkway, to the door. Romano cowered behind the older teen, glancing around nervously. He opened the door with his key, and led Antonio inside. The television was heard from the living room, and suddenly a frightening loud voice. "Boy! Is that you?"

Romano stuttered out a meek yes, and trembled as he heard his grandfather stomping closer. Antonio pushed him behind his back, trying to hide him from the tormentor. A large Italian man blocked the doorway. "And who is this little fucker? Did you pay someone to be your friend?" Romano blushed from the insult.

Antonio's patience thinned. "Sir, I'm taking Romano. He's going to come live with me from now on. Romano, go get your stuff."

Whew! That was exhausting! It's far too late in the evening, and now I have to go eat some food. Bye now! P.S. Amanda, you better appreciate this.


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